Need sex. Gaining weight.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Sacagawea was the original milf.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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