BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
