now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize