On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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