I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize