i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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