wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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