If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
There are leaves in my underwear?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
