The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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