how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
