Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
