I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
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