I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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