I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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