what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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