god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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