So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
