Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm at about main and main street
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Randomize
