I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
