I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
