the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
