I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
