"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
