I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize