At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
