His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
