I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
My ATM looks so different sober.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
