I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
