Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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