Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
