Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She told me I should be a condom model.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
