i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
