i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
