her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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