fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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