I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize