How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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