You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
