i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
