That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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