I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
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