Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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