if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize