My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
