I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
be right there i have to get my cape
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
