i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
