he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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