i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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