I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
