this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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