It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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