You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
