I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
