I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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