And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
