Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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