I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
