I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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