Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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