I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
