I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
